A ripple or a tidal wave…

There is a deep grief within over the loss of a girl on the brink of awareness, beauty and love.  Her death is more than painful for those left behind.  The ripple effect continues in reminders and memories that pierce the heart.  The worst comes just when you’ve caught a breath of fresh air, when the ‘why’ disappears for a short time behind the mask of getting on with the day.  The unexpected rushes in.  A similiar voice, a gentle smile, a song.  It brings a tidal wave of grief, a hurricane, a tornado of despair that brings you to your knees.  If it had been an accident, a long illness, the unexpected mishap…in that way it would be the culmination, the recipe, the batter of life. To be tolerated, accepted.   But the ugly, dark, torture of death self-intended it the cruelest act. It is a lingering punishment no human expects. 

We lost one dear child.  One who didn’t understand the glory of life no matter the uncertainty, the heartbreak, the trials of ‘what if’.  We couldn’t reach her. She denied us the opportunity to teach her, embrace her, carry her pain, pick up the pieces, participate in the future, love her unconditionally.

 Anger helps.  Senseless, we say.  Cruel, we say.  Mindless, we say.  Selfish, we say.   Oh yes, an extremely selfish act…with little regard for those who loved, those who hoped, those who gave their hearts.  No consideration for sacrafices, armloads of hope, shared love.

The debri is on the sidewalk, in the backyard, the sandy beach, the bikepath, the picnic basket in the hall, the faded tee-shirt. The leftovers from the storm can’t be swept away. To do so would deny the existence of that one someone and the others who stood beside her Imagein time and place with hopeful smiles.To remove is to deny  the memory, the knowledge.  Like a prominent scar, keloid, ugly, abrasive, it is a reality.  

No goodbye…the time has past.  We are left behind and can’t look back.  

 She is gone and we have the everlasting pain.  So selfish.  So angry.  The ripple effect….a tidal wave.

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About wilaemerson

writer, golfer, traveler, food junkie, dieter--serious life: prescription drug advisor (RN/BSN)
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11 Responses to A ripple or a tidal wave…

  1. Diane Burton says:

    Oh, my God, Wil. I am so sorry for your loss. Your anger is truly understandable. My heart grieves for you.

    • wilaemerson says:

      Thanks, Diane. We’re struggling. Her three sisters are devastated, her father…our son. It’s been a month and I can at least acknowledge the reality of it. And yes, we move on. Each one has their important goals and the other grandchildren deal with losing their cousin. A sad lesson in life for these young people. I know you can understand the grief as you look at the grandchildren you love. So thanks…and happy writing. I’m enjoying the comments about Switched, Too. Good luck!

  2. Kim Gouwens says:

    Wil, I am so sorry for your loss. I have a friend who is struggling through the loss of her daughter also. My heart goes out to you and your family. I will pray that understanding comes for everyone; until then, allow your anger. It will help you greive. Your other grandchildren will need to know there’s a ‘safe place’ to be angry also. They need to know they aren’t ‘wrong’ or ‘uncaring’, they need to be allowed to feel their feelings to get to the place where they can remember their cousin fondly. It’s hard for someone to understand how a person in a loving family can feel so isolated and alone, but that’s how these poor ladies felt. There’s no one who understands or cares about them. Depression is a VERY insidieous thing…it’s hard to understand unless you’ve been through it (or were very close to someone who has). I hope this helps some. Again, my heart goes out to you and your family. (member of MMRWA)

  3. Dana Corbit says:

    Wil, I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how devastated you must be. Please know that we are thinking of you, praying for you and grieving for your loss.

  4. nancygideon says:

    I’m rarely without words but this is one of those times. If my arms were long enough, I’d be hugging you right now.

  5. Maris says:

    Oh, Wil, I’d thought it was an accident, and I’d felt so sorry for you. But what you said in your blog is true, this is far worse. I hope your son and his family, along with you and Bob, are getting some counseling. This is too heavy a burden to carry alone. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    • An extremely tough situation. The easiest phrase is ‘she is gone’. Your kind words and thoughts are much appreciated. I’m touched by the comments from members of MMRWA…wonderful women full of compassion. Thanks so much..

  6. Wil, I cannot comprehend the depth of your sorrow, nor do I have sufficient words to express my sincere sympathy, but I will hold you and your family in my thoughts and pray God’s love will carry you through your grief.

  7. Annette Briggs says:

    Wil, so sorry for your loss and that you and others who loved her must endure these stages of grief and pain. Hugs, Annette

  8. Lucy Kubash says:

    Dear Wil, I’m so sorry to learn of the very sad loss for your family. It is so hard to understand how and why something like this happens, and there are no words to express condolences. Please just know I’ll keep you and your loved ones in my thoughts. Take care,
    Lucy

    • wilaemerson says:

      Thanks so much. No words, no amount of grief, no understanding helps with the pain but sharing is a relief of sorts, momentarily, with hope that it lessens. Thanks to all who are letting me vent this undeniable worst pain. Schuyler Emerson …on Facebook….there is a UTube video that reflects who she was, what she loved. If you have the time, take a look. I hope all parents, all grandparents let their young ones know that love is eternal but the love for one human individual never supercedes the love of many and others to come.

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